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uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

OCTOBER 4, 2009.

sticky, runny nose
paper stuck in water
blood full'a alcohol
makes a stumble'n falter.
spilled the rum on my dress,
out my mouth,
tryin' to speak a dif'rent language...
never gonna get it out.
heart wrapped in a bloody bandaged.

add 'er all up.

saggin' faces, drippy hearts
pile'a words just fer you.
bowl fulla guts
dropped 'em on the table
while sayin' hello to you.
extended release always make
my fuzzy head feel better.
heart on a sandy hill
jaw on a knotted rope..
tied together in a bundle
let loose by a dull kitchen knife.
cut my finger on a bunch a orangey
carrots.
orangey like the porch chair
i'm settin' on.
orangey like the acid in my sad ol' stomach.
orangey like the place i fill with the fuel.
fuel a'words, fuel a'food, fuel a'desert
sadness.
brain's got a pair'a blinders
like leather flaps near a horse's eyes
so i won't get a bit a distraction.
fightin' against the cigarette my blood wants ta smoke.
fightin' 'gainst the pen my fingers
are a'holdin.
jus' wantin' ta be a bug waitin' on a leaf...
or an apostrophe in the book your eyes're readin'.
so i won't miss a beat my heart's
s'posed ta bleed..
'cause next time the sun comes out
to sooth us, tell us it's alright,
this paper might be more wrinkled .
symbols might trigger somepin
diff'ern in grey tissues.
clothes might fit a little awkward,
like a letter from a'old
best friend or a picher you
can't quite
put yer finner on.
lungs'll be a little blacker
n'things you wish you kep'
in yer atoms may be
a little streatched
too
wrong.

I shall do something to fill this up.

sin acento de sud...



do you ever feel like you're rolling backwards
but you're really holding still?
everyday i put faith in the ability of my feet to keep me upright,
my heart to keep my blood bright,
and my eyes to see the world and it's constant spinning.
i wish i knew where i wanted to be, but
right now,
i'm content with my atoms and the atoms around me.

--

we are skin and bone.
organs. shit. blood.
material.
atoms.

---

con acento de sud...

what do ya do
when your brain only
thinks it knows what
the heart's a'feelin?
heart can't talk...
mouth sewn shut
fingers are all broken
up.
brain knows how heart's
been hurt before...
hence damaged appendage.
does brain take a guess
and let tongue shout it out?
what happens when heart feels better
says
'brain! you were all wrong.
look what ya done...'
brain don't want non a'that behavior...
n'soul belongs to someone much greater.
soul can't speak fer heart.

JANUARY 9th. explains a lot.

yer keepin me down and holdin me back
Lemme out, jus wanna get freee
N'i keep tryin ta fight yer grippin hands
Cause they're sharp n'theyre makin me bleed.
The windows open a terrible invitin
But the jumps so far down if'n I got out
Dunno if I could even get away.
Now brains workin real hard for soul
An' muscles're ready for flight
But skin n'eyes're makin me stay here.
So're you. You won't lemme outta yer sight..

i was in some weird house with my brother and all of our friends... i just remember one room being really warm and one being cold... i feel like there was a presence in there that we were trying to deal with, but it's blurry... and then i was in the pool and i saw my old boyfriend [who is just a dream boyfriend] that i haven't seen since a previous dream. i was really excited to see him and i found my old cell phone in the water and i said 'is kyle's number still in here?' because i wanted to call him and tell him off.. and then my dream boyfriend said 'i can't date you if after all this time, you still do the same stuff.' and i tried to explain something, but i gave up. he was really tall, but his legs were paralyzed.. and we went grocery shopping and i had to push him in the cart.. and i ate yogurt, but the yogurt was full of too big raspberries and the texture was like cottage cheese and it grossed me out.. and then me and him and his mom and little sister went outside, while a huge storm was happening... and someone was going to force us all to jump off a cliff to the water below... and his mom was terrified, because she said it was the rush line... i didn't know what that meant.. i just looked down into the stormy water and saw huge shadows..but his little sister fell in and i jumped after her.. and there were these great big fish... huuuge and light brown and dark brown spotted... and they had lots of weird hands and fins that were covered in spikes.. and big sharp teeth.. and everything was really muffled, just like it would be if you were underwater.
and the fish kept poking us with their spikes.. but i found his little sister and i turned
into a mermaid and we swam away.. and then i was at some resort and everyone i knew was there.. and some of them were shooting off fake guns.. but it caught a girls leg on fire.. and i put it out with pepsi... and then, before or after that.. i was looking for a pair of boots to buy in some store. i didn't see any i liked, but they were all in my size.. so i settled for a pair of kinda cowboy boots and i took all the stuffing out.. there were 3 pieces.. i wanted to find a chair, but the only ones were by the bathroom, where a man and a woman were arguing. they walked away when i went back there. and then i was in the resort pool and my boyfriend and i both had mermaid tails.. and even though his legs were paralyzed, he was swimming... i spent the day being a mermaid and i gave him the mermaid power somehow, so that we were mermaids in the water and walked on land. and his paralyzed legs worked again.

dream oct. 8/9 2009

what i remember very vividly was being in a house with a bunch of people / dream friends.
it looked my dad's house only taller and longer.
charlie had a really annoying girlfriend with bad highlights and they were sleeping in my bed.
i wanted to make them sleep on the air matress so i could have my bed.
there was lots of red lighting, the kind you get when you put a scarf over a lamp.
i walked to the window and there were a lot of trees. it was my backyard when i was a kid, only covered in snow. and the holly tree next to the window looked different. in front of that was a pile of burning embers.
i saw something running around the yard, hiding behind trees.
it had a long tail and very large glowing eyes. it scared me initially, which came from looking at a picture of 'charley no-face.'
then it stood by the fire, looking like a lawn gnome, only bigger.
i started throwing water at it, as if to put out the fire and freeze the creature, since there was snow on the ground.
but then it turned to a little girl with a huge thing on her nose and it started running towards the window.
BUT THEN, i realized it was a little boy with dirt on his face. he had curly shaggy hair and light brown skin and was very cute.
i opened the window and let him in and i held him and he held onto me.
my friends were there and talking at me and i was talking to them, but i don't remember what we were saying.
nora was there. she was sitting on the kitchen chair rolling her eyes alot.
i remember holding the little boy and dodging trees on an old trail.
someone said he was in the 6th grade, but he looked like he was four years old.


i do remember in the beginning of my dream, i was wearing long purple socks with no shoes.
i was in a very bright, white school hallway running and hopping around like a ballerina.
people kept looking at me, but i didn't care, because i was very happy to be where i was.